Listen

As a child, my concept of listening was simple and concrete. To listen was to not speak, to be silent.

When a teacher raised their hand in school, demanding the attention of the class, I responded by being silent. Their raised hand meant that I was not allowed to speak, not that I was required to listen to what they were about to say.

Consider the amount of time spent in our childhood and adolescent years developing the art of speaking. As toddlers we are repeatedly taught words and phrases as speaking skills are considered a vital milestone in a child’s growth and development. As school children, we are taught to expand our vocabulary and even take on second languages. In comparison, very little time is spent developing effective listening skills.

This lack of development is further complicated by our technology driven culture. Distractions are always readily available. We likely spend more time in front of screens than we do in front of people. Even our social interactions have become increasingly screen-based with the rise of social media. Interestingly enough, one of the primary drivers behind social media seems to be the desire of people to be seen and heard. And yet, it seems that social media can often prevent us from truly seeing or hearing those around us.

These potential obstacles to good listening are not insurmountable. They can and should be overcome. There is great value in listening. Good listeners can be as powerful and magnetic, if not more so, than great orators.

My view of what it means to listen has changed significantly since childhood. I have learned that listening is much more than silence. And yet, no matter how much knowledge and experience I obtain in the art of effective listening, I still find that at times I am a terrible listener. Perhaps you feel the same. Like many skills in life, I find that listening requires discipline.

I have an accounting degree, so I am certainly not qualified to conduct research or provide concrete answers regarding human behavior and communication skills. However, that which I have seen and experienced in my own life, I gladly share.

Listening: Ping Pong

"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply."
-Stephen R. Covey

We have all been guilty of this. Another person is speaking and rather than focusing on their words and ideas with the intent of understanding, our mind is spinning. We are trying to construct and formulate the perfect response, the witty response, the clever response, the crushing response, or whatever the case may be. We see this on full display in political debates. One side speaks, while the other side plans a rebuttal.

Good listeners seek to understand before seeking to be understood. They are engaged and focused on what the other person is saying. For illustration purposes, imagine for a moment two colleagues engaged in a conversation around politics or a relevant news story.

In the first scenario, the conversation moves back and forth across the table like a ping pong game. Neither side listens to the other. Rather, as one person speaks, the other uses that opportunity to build a response. The listener sits there almost shaking in anticipation, waiting for that moment where words stop coming out of the speaker’s mouth so words can start coming out of their own. Both sides walk away from the conversation completely unheard and completely unchanged. 

Imagine a second scenario where instead of simply taking turns exchanging noise, the listener uses the time the speaker is talking to process, understand, and formulate clarifying questions. “You mentioned ________, could you elaborate? I want to make sure I understand.” “I’d be curious to hear more of your thoughts on ________.” “Why do you think that is?” Perhaps the willingness to listen on one side would be contagious and cause the speaker to respond in kind. Or perhaps only one side would choose to listen and the other side would retain the primary role as speaker. Either way, the listener would walk away from the conversation with a much greater understanding of the speaker’s viewpoint. The speaker would feel more validated and heard and both sides would at least allow themselves the opportunity to be impacted and changed.

Even in a less heated exchange, we have all been guilty of waiting for someone to stop speaking not so we could respond/react to their words, but rather so we could deliver a joke, story, or even unrelated comment that we were developing as they spoke.

Good listeners seek to understand, not to reply.

Listening: Squirrel!

"You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time." -M. Scott Peck

There is a profound difference between listening and hearing. Most of us have experienced a conversation with someone who is clearly distracted. Upon pausing or acknowledging their distraction, they attempt to prove to us that they are listening by reciting our words back to us, “I’m listening. You were talking about your weekend and your hiking trip.” The only thing this proves is that they heard us, not that they were listening to us.

Admittedly, we live in an age of distraction. It is practically inescapable. The reality is, there will be times where we either need to or choose to check our phones, respond to texts, or read emails during conversations. There are times we will allow ourselves to be distracted by a TV show, a sports game, or the environment around us. After all, we are only human. Most of us do not have the capacity to be fully focused on our present conversation or present company at all times.

Though it may be impossible to completely eliminate distractions, good listening often requires minimizing these distractions. We have all struggled to hold a conversation with someone who clearly wanted to be somewhere else. It can leave a bad and bitter taste. Granted our view of self should not rise and fall based on the way others respond to us. We have just as much value and worth regardless of whether the person we are speaking to acknowledges or appreciates that or not. However, as stated earlier, we are only human and are not immune to hurt and disappointment. I have left conversations feeling like the least captivating/interesting person on earth. I have left conversations feeling incapable of holding someone’s attention. Sadly, I am sure that I have caused others to feel this same way at times, which is an upsetting thought to say the least.

Good listeners minimize distractions. They understand that the person speaking is more important than other things that would compete for their attention in that moment. They understand that sometimes the greatest gift we can give someone is our attention. Good listeners recognize the difference between hearing and truly listening.

I have learned over the years to be open and honest when I find myself distracted. It can be as simple as:

“Let me send this text before we start talking.”

“I’m going to check the game score quickly as we walk.”

“Sorry, I wasn’t really listening, can you please start again? I really want to hear.”

I am never upset by someone saying these things to me and I find that others respond similarly. Everyone understands the temptation of distraction. Pausing and admitting distraction shows your intent to truly listen and is typically well-received by the speaker. 

Listening: Empathy

"Empathy takes time, and efficiency is for things, not people." Stephen Covey

Empathetic listening is crucial, and yet very difficult to employ on a regular basis. Empathy is commonly defined as, “An ability to imagine oneself in another's place and understand the other's feelings, desires, ideas, and actions.”

Imagine a friend shares with me, “My boss asked me to travel to Florida this week to speak at a conference….” I casually respond with, “That’s great! The weather will be so nice there this time of year! Have fun!” A harmless response at first glance. However, what I have done is project my own personal response onto the speaker. I have projected how I would feel if I had been asked to go to Florida. The empathetic listener thinks…

They mentioned last time that they don’t like traveling because they miss their children

Their mother is really sick, it will probably be hard for them to get away

They hate public speaking, this is probably a stressful trip for them

The empathetic listener does not project their own thoughts and feelings onto the speaker, but rather stands in the speaker’s shoes. Empathetic listening requires a great deal of effort for this reason. An empathetic listener uses their heart, mind, and memory to hear what is being said, not just their ears.

Listen: Magnet

"Friends are those rare people who ask how we are, and then wait to hear the answer." -Ed Cunningham

The art of listening is inseparable from the art of effective question-asking. Good listeners tend to be inquisitive. Asking someone “How was your holiday?” will likely initiate a conversation and provide an opportunity to listen that may not have otherwise been provided. However oftentimes, there is an even better question to ask. A close friend may open up with such a general, broad question. However, others may require more encouragement. For example, “Did your sister make it home for the holiday weekend?” This moves the conversation past a response of, “The holiday went well” and begins to offer the other person a place to start and a foundation to build the conversation on. This is a specific question which will likely lead to a specific answer and open the door for further questions. Perhaps an even better question if you know the individual is, “Did Sarah (“sister” in this case) make it home for the holiday weekend? She just had a baby, right?” This personalizes the question and shows a history of listening and understanding.

Practically speaking, I attempt to construct meaningful questions through my cell phone. On a somewhat regular basis, I glance through my text messages and list of contacts. As I see a name, I think back to the last time I spoke with that person and what was said in the exchange. Did they mention an upcoming vacation, doctor’s appointment, or wedding? Did they share something personal with me that I have yet to follow up on? Did they share exciting news I could ask more about? This allows me to construct thoughtful follow up questions for our next encounter or reminds me to send an email/text/card to follow up more immediately. After all, I genuinely care and want to know, but in the midst of busyness, knowing can often require some intentionality.

It is important to use discernment in the area of question-asking. Some questions can serve to initiate and further the conversation while other questions can serve to derail the conversation and even stifle it completely. For example, imagine two friends catching up over drinks. One friend is eager to share about an unsettling conversation she had with her mother after a weekend spent at home. She begins setting the stage for her story and shares that her family spent Friday night at a restaurant downtown and casually mentions that they bumped into one of their mutual college friends while at the restaurant. At this point, the conversation moves towards:

“Oh really? How is so-and-so?”
“Oh, she’s fine I think, we didn’t really get a chance to catch up. Like I said, we just bumped into her briefly.”
“Do you remember that trip we took with her in college? Did she end up marrying that guy she was seeing?”

The conversation has now turned towards something the speaker never intended to focus on. If this is a casual conversation, these twists and turns are natural and expected. However, when you observe that something is troubling the person speaking, the only questions that should be asked are clarifying questions. Other points can be revisited later. A good listener allows the speaker to voice their thoughts, concerns, and story fully, asking questions only to better understand what is being said. Good listeners do not interrupt or interject their own agenda.

Questions show interest. People are drawn to those who take an interest in them. Good listeners and good question-askers are often magnetic individuals for this reason.

Listening: Not Right Now

If people truly care about me, they will give me their full, undivided attention whenever I require it, right? Well, not exactly. This is an important point and one worth ending on. Listening is a powerful skill to develop for reasons mentioned above and countless others. However, we will never be perfect listeners and we need to be patient with each other in this regard. I often chuckle when my parents talk over each other or one fails to realize the other is speaking. Do they love each other? More than you could imagine. Do they listen to each other? Yes, they value each other’s thoughts and words above all others. However, they also spend countless hours together during any given week. There is a comfort level there. And while they seek to listen to each other well, there are many times where they fail to do so. And I would argue, that’s okay. Part of the joy of friendship, love, and relationships is bearing with one another; it’s loving people as they are and not as you might like them to be in any given moment.

When I was a child, my parents taught me that what I had to say was valuable. I learned that I was worth listening to. However, they also taught me that I was not the center of their universe. I was not the center of anyone’s universe. There were times I was told, “Not right now” “Don’t interrupt” “I am talking to someone else, you can tell me later.” That was a healthy thing for me to hear as a child and is a beneficial thing for me to remember as an adult. Perhaps the best time to demand someone’s attention isn’t after they return from a stressful day at the office. Perhaps the conversation can wait until after the football game is over. Perhaps the car ride home isn’t an ideal time for an intense debate.

All of that being said:

Who listens to you?

Who values and respects your thoughts, ideas, and opinions?

Are you a good listener?

Who are you failing to listen to and in what ways?

I challenge you as I have challenged myself to take time to listen this week and have grace for yourself and others when you fail to do so perfectly.