Purposeful Pain

Pain (difficulty, struggle, or hardship) is an inescapable part of the human experience. It is the great equalizer among people. It touches both rich and poor alike. Pain crosses borders and spans both time and history.

The question before us is never if pain will come, but rather when pain does come, how will we respond? Or as I began to ask myself this past year, will my pain have purpose?

I cannot write about pain without first establishing that some of the pain we experience in life is completely self-induced. We reap what we sow; there are consequences to our actions. On the contrary, other pain we experience is completely out of our control, at times even brought on by the actions and choices of others. Regardless of whether we have control over causing the struggle, we must remember that we always have control over our response to the struggle. We can choose to give our pain purpose. I feel more resolute regarding this point than ever before. I refuse to let my pain be meaningless. I refuse to waste my struggle. If I must at times endure difficulty, then I will fight through, and I will walk out on the other side victorious, taking with me every possible ounce of good I could salvage from the darkness.

 

I view purposeful pain through two primary lenses:

Helping Others

 

"He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’” -1 Corinthians

“Close your eyes and pull this cord if you need anything.”
The technician’s voice slowly disappeared as my body was pulled into the MRI scanner. One question remained, “How did I even get here?” Only a few months prior, I felt invincible. I spent my days full of energy, running, biking, and kickboxing. Yet, that all seemed a distant memory as I shuffled slowly down the hospital corridor. My legs trembled beneath me as I reached out to the wall for support. That initial scan in early 2013 would serve as the launching point for an entire year of medical testing, unexplained symptoms, and physical pain.

It was and continues to be the greatest personal struggle I have ever faced.  I wish I were writing from the other side of this struggle. I wish I could share a story of resolution, health, and strength. I have great hope that someday very soon, I will. But today, I share a different story. It is a story of weakness and pain. It is also a story of profound and lasting joy. I share something deeply personal because I know that every person reading this blog has suffered, is suffering, or will suffer at some point.

As humans, we have a tendency to hide weakness. We are not quick to share stories of personal struggle, heartache, and pain. We often spend our time trying to carefully construct how others perceive us and then spend even more time trying to manage that perception. We falsely assume that in order to find love, connection, and a sense of belonging, we must offer only the very best of who we are; an edited version of ourselves.

True connection comes through vulnerability. People connect to what is honest and real. Author and speaker Brene Brown proposed that in order for real connection to happen, we must allow ourselves to truly be seen. We must have the courage to be imperfect. Vulnerability, therefore, requires a certain level of self-acceptance. It requires us to embrace our entire story, not just certain chapters. It challenges us to believe that we are worthy of love and connection simply as we are, not as we would like to be.

Admittedly, if I alone wrote the story of my life, my pen would never write a chapter where I battle for my health. My lead character would be strong and independent, not weak and dependent on others. However, I am learning to love my story in its entirety. I was uniquely created by a loving God who designed this life with me in mind. My life is beautiful and I wouldn’t want anyone else’s. As I learn to fully embrace my life, I continue to find the strength to be weak. I find the strength to allow others to enter into the beautiful chaos that is this season of my life. I share my story openly, with the hope that people will learn from my struggle as I have learned from the struggles of others. Finally, grounded in the belief that pain can be isolating, I share my story with the hope that others will feel less alone in their own fight.  

Every day brave men and women share their personal battles with cancer and in doing so, encourage others to go in for a prostate exam, colonoscopy, or mammogram. Think of  the lives that have been saved through the simple act of sharing a personal story. Men and women courageously share their personal battles with eating disorders, attempted suicides, and substance abuse to help others find victory in similar struggles. Friends, colleagues, and neighbors confide in each other and find comfort in shared experiences. Imagine the unique and knowing bond between two women who have both faced the heartache of miscarriage. Imagine the shared understanding between two men who are both looking for work after losing their respective jobs.

We bring purpose to our pain by sharing it. We bring purpose to our pain by allowing others to benefit from our experiences. If we must suffer, let us at least use that suffering to ease the suffering of others. Let us use our pain to bring hope and comfort.

 Personal Growth

“More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame…” - Romans

Enduring a difficult struggle is not an automatic impetus for personal growth. Too often we assume that when we endure a great struggle (a messy break-up, an illness, financial difficulty, or personal loss) we naturally arrive on the other side of our situation stronger. However, I would argue that we can also arrive on the other side of our situation bitter, cynical, fearful and more self-involved. My father has always countered the old adage “With age comes wisdom” by saying, “With age can come wisdom, but that is an active choice, not a guarantee.” Just as you do not automatically grow wiser with each passing year, you do not automatically grow stronger with each passing struggle. Growth requires intention. 

Adversity is a reliable mirror. It often reveals our true character. After all, when life is good, even fair, most of us are able to summon strength, offer love, consider the needs of others, exhibit patience, and remain hopeful. Yet, when life circumstances change and our daily load feels a little heavier, we often see our true propensity towards love, patience, strength, and hope.

During moments of prayer and reflection this past year, significant character deficiencies were revealed in my heart. I can imagine that some of my prayers were the spiritual equivalent of a 5-year-old crying about receiving vanilla ice cream instead of chocolate ice cream with their birthday cake. Yes God, I know you have given me a roof over my head, loving family and friends, a great job, and the gift of your Son, but I want perfect health and I want it NOW!  Too bad Psalms has already been published. What a beautiful contribution my prayers would have been...

 

I obviously exaggerate for the purpose of illustration, but the point still stands. At times throughout my struggle, I came face to face with the true state of my character and was greatly disappointed with what I found. In that sense, I have learned to rejoice in my pain; not for the pain itself of course, but for the character this pain is producing in my life.

 “What do you want to be when you grow up?” This question, first posed to us as children, follows us throughout our adolescence, becoming increasingly urgent with each passing year. My parents always seemed to change the conversation by changing a single word, “Who do you want to be when you grow up?” They understood that if I figured out the who, I could be successful at almost any what.

It is a question I still ask myself today. Who do I want to be? What do I want to be true of me? What kind of woman, daughter, sister, friend, and someday wife and mother do I want to be? Pain will surely find me again, and even worse, pain will find those that I love. What will my response be in those moments? Who will I be?

"She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.”-Proverbs 31

I want to be a woman marked by joy.  True joy, not a volatile joy which comes and goes like a wave of the sea, rising and falling in line with my emotions and life circumstances. I want a joy which cannot be broken, a joy rooted in Jesus. I want to look ahead to life’s uncertainties and laugh, because my foundation is secure and my joy is already complete.

 "Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.” – Proverbs 31

I want to be a woman who brings good to those around her. I want to be a pillar of comfort, peace, and rest for the people in my life; a woman who will point others to truth, hope, and faith.  I want to be quick with a smile and a comforting word.

“She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy” –Proverbs 31

I want to be a woman who considers the needs of others before her own. A woman who looks beyond her own life to the lives of others and responds with compassion and mercy.

 

Well that's all very nice, isn't it? Can I get a collective awwww? What wonderful things to want. However, the harsh reality is that without struggle and pain, very few of us would become the person we truly want to be. How do you develop perserverance without going through a situation in which you must persevere? How do you develop patience without being forced to wait? How do you learn to forgive without first being offended? How do you learn the importance of honesty without seeing the painful impact of betrayal?

 

We bring purpose to our pain by allowing it to produce within us character and growth.

 

Conclusion: A Little Perspective

Perspective is often key to enduring struggle. We may be frustrated with a dent in our car, while others are struggling to find food today. We may grow impatient for a health diagnosis, while others die without health care. We may struggle to finish college, while others enter adulthood completely illiterate. The reality is, people would have to look pretty long and hard in my life to find even the smallest reason to feel sorry for me. I imagine the same is true for you. Every time I am even remotely tempted towards self-pity, I think of an incredible man I have never met before. He has brought more purpose to his pain than I could ever dream of.

A few years ago I came across the story of Nick Vujicic. Nick has tetra-amelia syndrome, a very rare congenital disorder characterized by the absence of all four limbs. Nick has no arms and no legs. Despite his very obvious physical disability, Nick graduated from college with a double major in accountancy and financial planning. He learned to golf, swim, and eventually married and became a father. He now travels the world as a motivational speaker, sharing his story of hope, life, and faith in Jesus. He shares openly about his early struggles with depression and suicide. He makes no claims that his life is easy.

Five minutes into Nick’s story I became less captivated by his lack of limbs and more captivated by his happiness and passion for life, God, and others. He is described by those around him as full of joy and zeal. Nick brings purpose to his pain by sharing it with others. He brings purpose to his pain by using it as a catalyst for personal growth. He lives a life grounded in true joy. Nick cannot control his struggle. But he has taken control of his response.

By the grace of God, we will all learn to bring such great purpose to our pain.

 

 

Anchors

Contentment and Thankfulness: I wish I could write as an expert on either subject. But alas, I am still a work in progress. I write only what I know. I do not speak in absolutes. For every question I raise, there are a myriad of possible answers. For every argument I present, there are at least ten to counter it.  I write as a form of reflection. I write with the hope that my thoughts might spur others to greater thought, or better yet, action. This is a combination of multiple musings from the past few weeks, which all seem to focus on the struggles and victories surrounding contentment and thankfulness:

 CHOICES

“I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” – Philippians 4

We live in an unprecedented era of choice.

It was recently reported in the LA Times that Starbucks offers consumers up to 87,000 drink combinations. Comcast, the nation's largest cable provider, offers up to 1,000 channels. We are only a few generations removed from a time when televisions across the country only offered the major networks as viewing options. Yet even with limited choices, families still gathered and watched.  Fast forward sixty years to a new generation of television viewers who could easily flip through 240 channels and walk away dissatisfied with the selection.

Beyond our morning coffee and television viewing options, this idea of choice seems to run even deeper. The world has become increasingly connected with the rise of the internet and air travel in the last century. Where should I vacation? Where should I live? Where should I attend college? Where should I work?  Posing these questions to an older generation may have produced a very small list of possibilities. In today’s society, the choices are seemingly endless. Even dating has become a game of choice. With the rise in popularity of websites like Match.com and eHarmony, singles across the country can browse through a long list of suitable mates from the comfort of their own home.

Please understand, I am a product of this age of choice. I take full advantage of the many opportunities awarded to my generation. I have 160 channels on my television, I often change my order at Starbucks, and I hope to spend the rest of my life traveling the world. We are a great generation, albeit a different one. We face new challenges, but we also create new opportunities.

But I digress.

This age of choice can be both a wonderful and dangerous thing. If we are not careful, the existence of so many choices can leave us dissatisfied with the choices we do make, because our other options will always be visible to us. Sometimes, the fear of making the wrong choice is so great, it prevents people from making a choice at all. I need look no further than my own life for evidence of this pattern.

This idea is not my brainchild. The correlation between choice and satisfaction/contentment has been discussed at great length by psychologists (particularly Barry Scwhartz) and researchers much more educated than myself, who can speak to any actual science behind this idea. I speak only from experience.

I have learned, and continue to learn, to be content with my choices. I refuse to let fear of making the wrong choice prevent me from choosing at all. I have found that with any choice, there are benefits and consequences, pros and cons, upsides and downsides. However, I have also learned that the mere existence of consequences, cons, and downsides does not confirm a wrong choice has been made.

For example, I fully expect to marry an imperfect man. When his flaws become a point of frustration, it is not a sign that I married the wrong man or made the wrong choice. If anything, it is a reminder that I myself am also imperfect and that with God’s help we can learn to love each other well. Or simpler still, when I decide on weekend plans, I do not have to spend my time wondering what everyone else is doing or if I am missing out on something better. I can be fully present and appreciate my current situation for everything that it is. In doing so, I not only feel more content, I feel more grateful to be where I am.

There is obviously room for growth and exploration within this choice paradigm. If a job fails to challenge you or another opportunity presents itself, it may be time to make a different job choice. If you live in one city, but would prefer another, it may be time to make a different living choice. Contentment does not equate to laziness. It should never be used as an excuse not to challenge yourself or grow. If you are struggling financially, contentment does not say, “Accept your financial position and learn to be happy with it,” but rather, “Find happiness and gratitude in your circumstances, even as you work to make different choices, and change your financial position.”

The more content I am with my choices, the more grateful I am for my life today and the more inspired I feel to make choices to improve my life for tomorrow.

COMPARISON

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.” -Philippians 2:3

Comparison is a great enemy of contentment and thankfulness.

If you would allow me to speak in generalities for a moment, I find this issue to be particularly delicate for women. I am certain that men also struggle with comparison, but again, I am writing more from my personal experience as a woman. One hundred years ago, I have to imagine that women still had a tendency to compare themselves to other women in their social circles, at their local church, in their neighborhood, etc.  However, this proved to be a very narrow group for comparison. The modern twist is that now women compare themselves not only with other women in their social circles, but also with complete strangers across the world. This has been intensified through the rise of social media sites such as Facebook and Pinterest as well as through the continued cultural emphasis on celebrities, magazines, and advertising campaigns. Again, none of these things are intrinsically bad (anyone who knows me knows how much I appreciate Facebook). However, I have seen the unintentional carnage of this phenomenon in the lives of women I know and love. If you think I am overstating the issue, I can assure you, this is a gross understatement, if anything.

After all, it is not enough to make a boxed cake for your child’s classmates, when another mom on Pinterest made a replica Eiffel cupcake tower from scratch. It is not enough that you are going to Chicago to visit a friend this summer, when your friend just posted photos from a Caribbean cruise. It is not enough that you bought a bunch of bananas at the grocery store when you have to stare at Jessica Biel’s abs in the check-out line.

Very few things lead to as much comparison among women as the fight for male attention.  Author Beth Moore once said, “We use guys like mirrors to see if we’re valuable.” Watch a group of women when a man is only paying attention to one  woman in the group. The Bachelor spends two hours a week showing footage of this very thing.

All of this comparison, whatever the source and cause, can lead to dissatisfaction, discontentment, and ingratitude.

I remember reaching a point in college where I found this issue to be so redundant and pervasive in my social circles, that I made a conscious choice to stop comparing myself with others. In doing so, something strange happened, I became a more grateful and content person. I not only felt better about myself, I felt better about other people, as their success, beauty, and qualities no longer took anything away from the person I was.

I became comfortable in my own skin and in doing so, took away a world of pressure. If other women had straight blonde hair, that was great! But I was going to rock curly hair and freckles. If other women were bubbly and flirtatious and received more male attention, that was fine by me. I was content with my weird combination of goofy and deep. I learned to be happy and content in my 20’s, but not to fear 30, 40, or beyond. Our culture is so resistant to aging. However, I have found that life can be beautiful at any age. We must be content and thankful for the season we are in. It may lack things other seasons had. But I can guarantee you, it also has benefits no other season will have.

Let’s be clear, I have not arrived. I have not reached some great state in which I no longer experience the temptation of comparison, insecurity, ingratitude, and discontentment. This is a battle I will fight until the day that I die. But the important thing is, I fight on.

You cannot love people well if your focus is on comparison. I am always surprised when the response to a Facebook engagement announcement or baby photo is: “Everyone is getting engaged before me!” “How do they already have two kids? I’m so far behind!” This focus on self, which we have all been guilty of at one time or another, completely robs us of the ability to love other people. When I choose not to compare, I find that I am able to answer the call of Philippians 2, and put the interests of others before my own. I am able to rejoice with that newly engaged couple and get excited for that couple with two children.

After all, Facebook is often nothing more than a highlight reel; the best and most noteworthy moments in the lives of others. That newly engaged couple may have just lost a parent. That growing family could be struggling financially. We are rarely fully aware of the struggles of others. Therefore, a comparison of what we know to be our own reality to the life we imagine someone else to have is rarely a fair comparison.

ANCHORS

If people are ships, we all have anchors. Sometimes we look to others to be our anchor: a spouse, our friend group, or our family. Unfortunately, humans are flawed. Even the steadiest, most loyal person, may move and therefore be the cause of instability or a lack of security in our lives. Sometimes we look to a job, money, beauty, or success to anchor our life. Again, storms can move these anchors and our ship can experience great destruction. For me personally, I have found an anchor in Jesus. He is an immovable force in my life. Storms have certainly come. My ship has been rocked, but I have not been moved. It is in Jesus, that I find 10,000 reasons every day to be both perfectly content and thankful.  

 

The Middle

When writing, I never know where to begin and I never know where to end. I usually find myself starting somewhere in the middle. I have to imagine that there are a surprisingly large number of books, essays, and letters that have never been penned solely because the author could not compose a satisfactory opening. A blank page can be a paradox, eliciting both excitement and fear from the person charged with filling it.  For on a blank page, nothing has yet been said, so nothing can be regretted. The story has not yet begun, so there is no need to determine its ending. Thoughts have not yet been shared, so they cannot be judged. It is a safe state of equilibrium in which the author is neither misunderstood nor understood and the audience is neither offended nor inspired.

And yet, I find myself compelled to leave this state of equilibrium and begin writing.  My fascination with writing has always evolved from my belief that words, while often powerless on their own, can become instruments of change and inspiration when organized and strung together in the right combination (hence, the name of my blog). For better or worse, in both simple and profound ways, words shape who we are and how we view the world.

Think of your favorite movies, sports, songs, restaurants, and books. I would speculate that many of these favorites which may now seem so intrinsic to your identity first came to your attention through a recommendation or a review. How many movies have we seen because a friend convinced us the movie was worth seeing? How many products have we purchased because someone testified to the products’ quality? Consider the popularity of Urbanspoon (restaurant reviews), Amazon reviews, Rotten Tomatoes (movie reviews), and celebrity endorsements (even Justin Bieber can sell women’s perfume). How many people have quit smoking, lost weight, or made a major life change because they read or heard a story about someone else who had succeeded in doing the same thing? How many people cheer for their favorite sports team because they grew up listening to their dad or grandpa tell stories or give commentary during the games? How many people have endured break-ups while listening to songs written by other people who experienced the same thing?

Or deeper still, how many people are pursuing their dream, because someone articulated faith and belief in that dream? How many people have found love because a mutual friend convinced them to go on a blind date? How many people have changed their lifestyle after a compelling sermon, lecture, news story, or conversation? And tragically, how many people have suffered from depression or even worse, ended their life, because of the words of others?

We all inevitably find ourselves at both ends of this exchange. We are all impacted by the words of others and we all have the ability to impact others with our words. No one is immune. The question before us is never if our words will have an impact but how they will have an impact. Given this perspective, I have decided to start a blog. My hope is that I will find the right combination of words to build up, inspire, encourage, and provoke thought. I do so fully understanding that the thoughts and opinions I will share at times may seem the equivalent of a dessert photo on Facebook (something only my mother would find interesting). However, far too often in today’s society, people are so fearful of saying the wrong thing or having their opinions disregarded or misunderstood that they just don’t say anything at all.  I am well aware that launching a blog puts me at risk of unintentionally upsetting, offending, or even boring someone. However, it also puts me at risk of blessing, encouraging, or even inspiring someone. Words, both spoken and written, should always be weighed carefully. However, fear should never silence us from speaking. I always remind myself that if it has been a while since I have failed at or regretted something perhaps it has been a while since I have tried or risked something.

After all, a compliment withheld because of fear of how it will be received robs the recipient of joy. Sympathies unexpressed after tragedy, due to a fear of not saying the right thing, stand no chance of bringing comfort or support. Thoughts and life experiences trapped in the mind of one individual will never change the world. And as the old adage reminds us, gratitude unexpressed bears a striking resemblance to ingratitude.

Words are the medium through which every person has the power to change a life, and in doing so, change the world. The average person will use over 10,000 words today. How will you use yours?