Anchors

Contentment and Thankfulness: I wish I could write as an expert on either subject. But alas, I am still a work in progress. I write only what I know. I do not speak in absolutes. For every question I raise, there are a myriad of possible answers. For every argument I present, there are at least ten to counter it.  I write as a form of reflection. I write with the hope that my thoughts might spur others to greater thought, or better yet, action. This is a combination of multiple musings from the past few weeks, which all seem to focus on the struggles and victories surrounding contentment and thankfulness:

 CHOICES

“I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” – Philippians 4

We live in an unprecedented era of choice.

It was recently reported in the LA Times that Starbucks offers consumers up to 87,000 drink combinations. Comcast, the nation's largest cable provider, offers up to 1,000 channels. We are only a few generations removed from a time when televisions across the country only offered the major networks as viewing options. Yet even with limited choices, families still gathered and watched.  Fast forward sixty years to a new generation of television viewers who could easily flip through 240 channels and walk away dissatisfied with the selection.

Beyond our morning coffee and television viewing options, this idea of choice seems to run even deeper. The world has become increasingly connected with the rise of the internet and air travel in the last century. Where should I vacation? Where should I live? Where should I attend college? Where should I work?  Posing these questions to an older generation may have produced a very small list of possibilities. In today’s society, the choices are seemingly endless. Even dating has become a game of choice. With the rise in popularity of websites like Match.com and eHarmony, singles across the country can browse through a long list of suitable mates from the comfort of their own home.

Please understand, I am a product of this age of choice. I take full advantage of the many opportunities awarded to my generation. I have 160 channels on my television, I often change my order at Starbucks, and I hope to spend the rest of my life traveling the world. We are a great generation, albeit a different one. We face new challenges, but we also create new opportunities.

But I digress.

This age of choice can be both a wonderful and dangerous thing. If we are not careful, the existence of so many choices can leave us dissatisfied with the choices we do make, because our other options will always be visible to us. Sometimes, the fear of making the wrong choice is so great, it prevents people from making a choice at all. I need look no further than my own life for evidence of this pattern.

This idea is not my brainchild. The correlation between choice and satisfaction/contentment has been discussed at great length by psychologists (particularly Barry Scwhartz) and researchers much more educated than myself, who can speak to any actual science behind this idea. I speak only from experience.

I have learned, and continue to learn, to be content with my choices. I refuse to let fear of making the wrong choice prevent me from choosing at all. I have found that with any choice, there are benefits and consequences, pros and cons, upsides and downsides. However, I have also learned that the mere existence of consequences, cons, and downsides does not confirm a wrong choice has been made.

For example, I fully expect to marry an imperfect man. When his flaws become a point of frustration, it is not a sign that I married the wrong man or made the wrong choice. If anything, it is a reminder that I myself am also imperfect and that with God’s help we can learn to love each other well. Or simpler still, when I decide on weekend plans, I do not have to spend my time wondering what everyone else is doing or if I am missing out on something better. I can be fully present and appreciate my current situation for everything that it is. In doing so, I not only feel more content, I feel more grateful to be where I am.

There is obviously room for growth and exploration within this choice paradigm. If a job fails to challenge you or another opportunity presents itself, it may be time to make a different job choice. If you live in one city, but would prefer another, it may be time to make a different living choice. Contentment does not equate to laziness. It should never be used as an excuse not to challenge yourself or grow. If you are struggling financially, contentment does not say, “Accept your financial position and learn to be happy with it,” but rather, “Find happiness and gratitude in your circumstances, even as you work to make different choices, and change your financial position.”

The more content I am with my choices, the more grateful I am for my life today and the more inspired I feel to make choices to improve my life for tomorrow.

COMPARISON

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.” -Philippians 2:3

Comparison is a great enemy of contentment and thankfulness.

If you would allow me to speak in generalities for a moment, I find this issue to be particularly delicate for women. I am certain that men also struggle with comparison, but again, I am writing more from my personal experience as a woman. One hundred years ago, I have to imagine that women still had a tendency to compare themselves to other women in their social circles, at their local church, in their neighborhood, etc.  However, this proved to be a very narrow group for comparison. The modern twist is that now women compare themselves not only with other women in their social circles, but also with complete strangers across the world. This has been intensified through the rise of social media sites such as Facebook and Pinterest as well as through the continued cultural emphasis on celebrities, magazines, and advertising campaigns. Again, none of these things are intrinsically bad (anyone who knows me knows how much I appreciate Facebook). However, I have seen the unintentional carnage of this phenomenon in the lives of women I know and love. If you think I am overstating the issue, I can assure you, this is a gross understatement, if anything.

After all, it is not enough to make a boxed cake for your child’s classmates, when another mom on Pinterest made a replica Eiffel cupcake tower from scratch. It is not enough that you are going to Chicago to visit a friend this summer, when your friend just posted photos from a Caribbean cruise. It is not enough that you bought a bunch of bananas at the grocery store when you have to stare at Jessica Biel’s abs in the check-out line.

Very few things lead to as much comparison among women as the fight for male attention.  Author Beth Moore once said, “We use guys like mirrors to see if we’re valuable.” Watch a group of women when a man is only paying attention to one  woman in the group. The Bachelor spends two hours a week showing footage of this very thing.

All of this comparison, whatever the source and cause, can lead to dissatisfaction, discontentment, and ingratitude.

I remember reaching a point in college where I found this issue to be so redundant and pervasive in my social circles, that I made a conscious choice to stop comparing myself with others. In doing so, something strange happened, I became a more grateful and content person. I not only felt better about myself, I felt better about other people, as their success, beauty, and qualities no longer took anything away from the person I was.

I became comfortable in my own skin and in doing so, took away a world of pressure. If other women had straight blonde hair, that was great! But I was going to rock curly hair and freckles. If other women were bubbly and flirtatious and received more male attention, that was fine by me. I was content with my weird combination of goofy and deep. I learned to be happy and content in my 20’s, but not to fear 30, 40, or beyond. Our culture is so resistant to aging. However, I have found that life can be beautiful at any age. We must be content and thankful for the season we are in. It may lack things other seasons had. But I can guarantee you, it also has benefits no other season will have.

Let’s be clear, I have not arrived. I have not reached some great state in which I no longer experience the temptation of comparison, insecurity, ingratitude, and discontentment. This is a battle I will fight until the day that I die. But the important thing is, I fight on.

You cannot love people well if your focus is on comparison. I am always surprised when the response to a Facebook engagement announcement or baby photo is: “Everyone is getting engaged before me!” “How do they already have two kids? I’m so far behind!” This focus on self, which we have all been guilty of at one time or another, completely robs us of the ability to love other people. When I choose not to compare, I find that I am able to answer the call of Philippians 2, and put the interests of others before my own. I am able to rejoice with that newly engaged couple and get excited for that couple with two children.

After all, Facebook is often nothing more than a highlight reel; the best and most noteworthy moments in the lives of others. That newly engaged couple may have just lost a parent. That growing family could be struggling financially. We are rarely fully aware of the struggles of others. Therefore, a comparison of what we know to be our own reality to the life we imagine someone else to have is rarely a fair comparison.

ANCHORS

If people are ships, we all have anchors. Sometimes we look to others to be our anchor: a spouse, our friend group, or our family. Unfortunately, humans are flawed. Even the steadiest, most loyal person, may move and therefore be the cause of instability or a lack of security in our lives. Sometimes we look to a job, money, beauty, or success to anchor our life. Again, storms can move these anchors and our ship can experience great destruction. For me personally, I have found an anchor in Jesus. He is an immovable force in my life. Storms have certainly come. My ship has been rocked, but I have not been moved. It is in Jesus, that I find 10,000 reasons every day to be both perfectly content and thankful.