The Gap

JUST LIKE THE MOVIES

It’s that moment in Jerry Maguire, where Tom Cruise looks at Renee Zellweger and utters the words forever memorialized in cinematic history, “You complete me.”

After all, two halves make a whole and true love will complete you, right?

Growing up, most of us were fed a steady diet of fairy tales. Cinderella did little more than meekly survive before her prince arrived to rescue her. Poor Snow White and Aurora (Sleeping Beauty), they were actually unconscious until their princes arrived. Ugh, that’s the worst. It’s the storyline of every great romantic comedy. Life is falling fantastically apart, until one day, when least expected, “the one” shows up and in the span of 120 minutes, all of life’s problems are resolved and the screen fades to black.

Unfortunately/fortunately, I am no Snow White. I will admit that occasionally I sing songs to birds, raccoons, and chipmunks about awaiting my true love’s kiss, but that’s where our similarities end. Despite having grand notions of love growing up, I never viewed myself as a half waiting to be made whole. I never felt the need to be completed or to complete anyone else.  

After all, it seems an unfair request; a burden too great to place on another human being. For in order for two halves to be consistently whole, each half would need to be in a constant state of perfection. Relationship expectations would be high as the two halves would rely solely on each other for a sense of meaning, purpose, and completeness. Neither half would thrive alone.  If one half pulled away or became distant, the other half would suffer great emptiness and rejection.  The value of each half would become inseparable from the whole.

I would venture that great love occurs when two complete and whole (albeit, very imperfect) individuals unite.  Neither individual enters into the relationship expecting the other to fulfill, complete, or bring purpose to their life.  Rather they invite the other person to come alongside them in a life already in progress. They look to love to enhance their life, not mark the start of it. Their value is not tied solely to the other person, but exists apart from the relationship. Two individuals join their ambitions, dreams, and interests and work to build a life together. They also knowingly join their insecurities, struggles, and fears, not expecting the other person to resolve these things completely, but to partner alongside them in the fight.

Now, I certainly do not wish to diminish love or romance in any way. Love, romantic or otherwise, can be one of the most entrancing, powerful, and transformative experiences on earth. Perhaps it is this high opinion of love that leads me to contend with the prevailing views propagated by mainstream culture.

30 YEARS

With each passing year, I become more convinced that my upbringing was not a happy accident.

My childhood home was filled with love, laughter, and silliness. However, when it came to the outcome of my (and my brother’s) life, faith, and character, my parents were incredibly serious and intentional. When they wanted to teach us about money management, they required us to complete a series of chores for a modest weekly allowance. When we received the money, they would then guide us as we divided our money between three jars labeled: “Spending,” “Savings,” and “Giving.” As we did so, they would explain the significance of each jar and then further model this allocation in their own finances. They knew and understood that seeds sown throughout our childhood would yield a harvest of results in our adulthood. And so, they planted, cultivated, and watered in good faith.

However, their greatest parenting tool proved to be their marriage.

Though not fully conscious of it as children, my brother and I were slowly shaping our views on love, relationships, and marriage as we watched my parents’ marriage unfold. I am thankful for three things in this regard:

My parents raised us to esteem marriage highly and encouraged us to desire and pursue it in our own lives.

My parents taught us about Jesus. He was to be our ultimate measure of worth, purpose, and value. Therefore, we would never need to put unnecessary pressure on another human being to do what only God was meant to do in our lives. I grew up knowing I was worthy of love and sacrifice, not because a boyfriend/husband told me so, but because God showed me so over 2,000 years ago.

My parents did not shield us from the difficulties and struggles of marriage, but rather ensured that we had appropriate expectations and views regarding married life. After all, their marriage of 30 years is worthy of many words of praise, but ‘perfect’ is certainly not one of them.

My parents were open and transparent with their frustrations where appropriate. My brother and I never operated under the assumption that mom and dad were always happy and agreed on everything. However, that being said, in all of my years living under their roof, I never once heard them speak ill of one another in front of us or in front of others. They certainly had a great deal of fun at each other’s expense (we were a household of wannabe comedians who enjoyed giving each other a hard time). However, at the end of the day, I knew my father deeply loved, respected, and remained committed to my mother, and vice versa. I knew it because I heard it and I saw it. Imagine the impact for a child growing up, constantly hearing things like: “Your father is an amazing man. We are so lucky to have him.” “That’s just like your mother. She has always been so forgiving and gracious. You should learn from her.”

Admittedly, there are a number of different views on marriage, relationships, and love. This is merely a glimpse into mine. It was shaped by a number of forces and is far from set in stone. The things I have yet to learn in regards to love and marriage far outweigh the little I know. However, I do know that marriage is something I desire and respect.

That being said, I am clearly not married. So what about ‘in the meanwhile’? This seems to be the prevailing topic of conversation amongst my single friends…

MIND THE GAP

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the average age of marriage for males and females respectively, has increased from 22 and 20 in 1960 to 29 and 27 in 2013. These statistics tell the story of our generation. We are the Friends generation. While our parents grew up watching family based TV sitcoms where couples married early, had children, and then raised families in the suburbs, our generation watched as a group of attractive twenty and thirty-somethings searched endlessly for love in New York City.

The Census figures would suggest that young people (on average) are now experiencing a significant gap between finishing school/working and finding love. For women in particular, this can feel like lost time. As a candid single friend once stated, “It is a time where I have to pretend to care about things besides getting married so someone will actually want to marry me.”

These are not lost years.

These are beautiful years of life, none of which are promised, all of which are full of possibility. I would venture to say that if I do get married, my husband will benefit greatly from my years as a single woman. My twenties thus far have been marked by unique and rich experiences, people, and places. I have traveled to new cities, states, and countries, gaining valuable experiences and stories along the way. I have met new friends who have enriched my life in countless ways that I may not fully understand on this side of Heaven. I have developed myself professionally and pursued goals that will aid me well as I continue to pursue my dreams and ambitions for the future. Perhaps most importantly, God has continued to grow and refine my faith and character, as I continue to develop into the woman He intended me to be.

Not a day of my life has been wasted. I am not waiting for life to start. It is always tempting to believe the lie: When I get _________________, then I will be happy/fulfilled/ready to begin, etc. That blank is too often filled with “a relationship,” or “married.” This can lead to incredible disappointment and unmet expectations when relationships and marriages finally do come to fruition.

I truly believe it is possible to desire something, such as marriage, while still being happy and finding fulfillment in your current state. Like the couple that looks forward to children one day, even while enjoying married life.

RECESS

I spent every recess during first grade training intensely for what I believed would be my future career as a professional teatherball player. By second grade, I had moved on entirely to organizing double dutch jump rope competitions. For those who may not be familiar with double dutch, it consists of two long jump ropes swinging in opposite directions. After the jump ropes start swinging, one or two players jump in and continue jumping until someone makes a mistake.

…I never waited for a second player to start jumping.

I just jumped.

I distinctly remember singing loudly as I jumped. I would mess up from time to time and launch into a full-on giggle fit. I would typically jump for a while alone. However, in time, inevitably someone else would walk by and want to join in on the fun.

In many ways, this is how I view single life. I like to jump. I don’t want to wait to start jumping. I don’t want to put my life on hold until someone agrees to jump with me. I just want to jump and perhaps in time someone will walk by and want to join in on the fun (Keeping in mind that sometimes you may need to move your jump rope closer to the crowd – a lesson I continue to learn). However, in the meanwhile, I jump for the sheer joy of jumping.

It beats the alternative of sitting on the playground alone, jump rope in hand, refusing to jump until someone jumps with you; growing increasingly pouty with each passing rejection. After all, it seems you would be far less likely to attract a crowd that way.